It has been really long since I wrote anything on here and I feel so guilty. So much has happened since my last post; I had a fantastic summer, autumn and now winter. I turned 30!
Of course the usual emotional, mental, physical transformation that happens in a typical annual cycle continues.
Summer was amazing, as always. I spent time with friends, traveled a bit, and forgot about work and school for some time. I joined a Gospel choir that is just so thrilling to be part of, we meet once a week and perform around the city. I lost a few kilos and started to train my body to run for an hour at least every other day, its going great so far.
Autumn was the usual confused entity of change that it always is for me. A time when you never know what a day will be – especially in this city; its either really hot or really cold at first and you have to play it by ear. Eventually the days get shorter, the snow starts falling in the highlands, and every morning starts with a thick salt scented mist from the Atlantic, clearing later to a brilliant blue sky with a weak yellow sun for decorative purposes.
This season is brilliant for family bonding; hours spent huddled on the couch under blankets, hot water bottles and cups of tea; watching soapies and mind numbing movies on the weekend. Hours spent doing research and writing up proposals for school from the comfort of my bed. Its also good for introspection, for taking a look inside your life and being surprised at some of the changes that have taken place almost without your involvement.
Turning 30 was one of the most pleasant things that has happened so far; I received great advice from friends and family about what to expect, what is expected of me and so on. I am quiet excited to discover new dimensions to this being that is me, learning more about myself has always given me a deeper understanding of people, which is invaluable in my line of work.
One such thing I am just discovering and learning about myself is that I am an Empath. For those who have never heard of this term, an Empath is a highly sensitive person who sponges up the emotions of others, usually involuntarily (you feel what others feel). Sounds crazy I know, never heard of this term myself until recently although I’ve always known this about myself. I can walk into a room and instantly pick up on someone’s mood as if it was my own, this gets terribly confusing when there are a lot more people in the room, and I often don’t know if its my own feeling or someone elses. Sometimes its random people I walk past on the street, in the bus or train. I used to think it was psychic sensitivity, and I have never liked it. It can be intrusive, confusing, and draining.
A few weeks ago, I was having a pleasant evening alone at home, my family was out somewhere. I had cooked, enjoyed some herbal tea, and was just settling down to read a book when I was overcome with the most intense anxiety like a big heavy blanket covering me. It was so strong I had to sit down, burst into tears and started panicking. Naturally I assumed I was having a panic attack – which never happens – but I had no other explanation.
I immediately sent a message to our watsapp family group to make sure everyone was alright because I couldn’t shake the feeling something had just gone wrong. It was around 9pm.
Later that night, around 11pm as I lay reading in bed, I could hear a child screaming somewhere in our apartment block. I thought nothing of it since children cry all the time. Half an hour later, the child was still screaming, and my anxiety was still there. By 12pm I couldn’t sleep because the child had resumed screaming, so I got out of bed and went to investigate (as a nosey person should).
Long story short, two stories below our apartment, a 2 year old child had locked herself in a bedroom (at around 9pm) and her babysitter had been trying to get her out for 3 hours, she was in tears and still trying to break the door handle when I knocked on her door after midnight. I called the security office and a guard came to help get the door open. Because she was new to the complex, she didn’t know who to call or whether to approach the people next door, imagine that poor child hungry and scared for all that time.
I didn’t know how to label this, intuition? The shining? Whatever it is, its not a pleasant feeling at all. I don’t know who coined the term Empath or whether it is a scientifically researched and critiqued theory. However, it does give me some kind of understanding to the experiences I have, and some guidelines on how to manage it.
For those of you in winter, enjoy the hibernation and take the time to discover what lies inside you, whats new, whats been shed during the autumn of your life, and use this time to think about what you can sow into your life, because spring is only a few short months away and when that first shower falls – be ready to watch what grows from within. Make sure its good and fruitful.
God bless you always.xx